Dear Marj #8

2 weeks on the trot! Marj has settled a few of her nomadic demons and rejoined us to get back to helping people… this week: Technology: 

Dear Marj,

This is something that has been building in me for a while now.

I used to have lots of friends and a great social life. 

Since I discovered a thing called a laptop and another device that’s sort of like a phone but also like a computer called the iPhone things have gone from bad to worse.

Before I used to enjoy talking to people, going to out and meeting friends in the pub and me and my girlfriend had a really healthy relationship. 

Since these devices have entered my life normal things and people just seem superfluous and all I want to do is spend all my time with them instead. 

Is this OK, should we all just resign ourselves that affirmation through Facebook and the hunger for ‘likes’ on every we post on there seems better than real life or do I need to action a change in my life?

Yours confused,

Terence Bit x

Dear Terence,

Your situation reminds me of my favourite James Blake song “I Looked Up a Word in the Thesaurus But Couldn’t Find Anything That Made Me Sound More Avant Garde So I Just Put in a Vague Emotional Phrase Instead”. It’s a great song that really pushes the boundaries both lyrically and stylistically, and I believe it’s message can offer some insight into your concerns:

Warble…Blip…Warble Warble/

Blip Blip…*something indecipherable due to excessive pitch shift*… Blip Blip/

Squeak…Warble..Squeak Squelch Blip Blip *more pitch shift*/

*long silence*/

woooahahaaaooohhhaooh I’m so sad because of technology/

wooohahooh Blip Blip SNARE Blip SNARE SNARE *pitch shift pitch shift pitch shift*/

I think James’ lyrics really capture the zeitgeist of today, especially in regards to the glorious seclusion that mass communication has brought about. Plus the way he makes his voice always sound weird with pitch shift is super neat-o. 

The thing is Terence, everyone likes to slag off things like Facebook and iPhones, but everyone’s doing it! Except me. I deleted my Facebook account after I got really paranoid that everyone hated me, and lost my iPhone because I hadn’t slept after a coke binge and was so disorientated that I went to a fashionable burger chain by myself and ate till I fell asleep, losing my trendy backpack and copy of James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses’ in the process. Maybe these two things are related; but I’ll never know, I can’t ask any of my friends if I have a drugs problem because I’m not on Facebook! Haha!

But don’t worry, everyone else is still doing it. So what if it’s crippling your ability to talk to people in real life? Get with the times, Granddad! No one gives a fuck about talking anymore! Nowadays the done thing is to fend off face to face interaction until it’s impossible to go any further without it. I mean, if it was possible to have sex over Facebook then people wouldn’t even leave the house! Seriously. 

And so what if your iPhone is dissolving your attention span in a pool of ergonomic waste? What, were you born in 2006? No one concentrates on things anymore. If anything takes longer than 20 seconds to wait for then it’s not worth your time. In fact, you should get angry that it took longer than 20 seconds to wait! You should get so angry that you forget about what you got angry about! You should get so angry that you’re kept in a perpetual loop of waiting and anger until something else happens! You’re a modern man Terence, getting angry about waiting for things is what you do. 

Don’t be scared by the insidious physical isolation that surrounds you more and more each day. Focus on the important things in life; like posting awkwardly personal comments that basically emotionally blackmail your friends into commenting in a positive way about you! Or putting up photos of you doing ‘wacky shit’, then self referencing that ‘wacky shit’ in an ironic way, preferably with a funny pop culture reference because your too scared to admit you’re self absorbed! Or maybe putting up songs from youtube so you can subliminally boast to your friends that your musical taste is better than theirs! Didn’t you know? Fear of being self absorbed, subliminal boasting and emotional blackmail are what’s in right now! 

To me Terence, it sounds like you’re way ahead of the curve. In fact, YOU should be giving ME advice! Haha! Don’t worry about out dated stuff like intimacy and your attention span. Why touch a smelly human when you can touch your touch screen! Go ahead, touch it! It won’t bite or try and ask you for some spare change like a human would. So I say don’t fret! Stroke you phone! Hug your abstract collection of friendship! Everything will be O.K! 

Regards

Marj R$N

Let us placate your misery.  Feel free to inundate us with your angst but do not feel ashamed, as all questions will be kept anonymous. 

Email helpmyagony@theransomnote.co.uk – don’t be shy now… and we’ll do our best to help… anonymously of course!
Love Marj R$N x