This Week… Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend.

"Time to say goodbye" – Andrea Bocelli

"It's just kind of known in the music industry that a farewell tour means 'for now'" – Nikki Sixx

"All I want to do when I have time off is to have a laugh with my school friends and go down the pub" – Samantha Mumba

Fuck sake. This Week… Cosmo and Tim, who loves soup, are leaving. Yep, you heard. Two people you're likely to never meet are moving on to pastures new so I thought I would dedicate this week to them. On the bright side, we've got a new kitchen, the crack alley is still doing a solid trade (amen to Black Friday) and thanks to white chocolate Lion bars, Twix and Snickers, oh and Exmouth Coffee, we're donating a greedy sum of change to Shelter this month.

This feels a little like a eulogy, so I apologise if it's a little too personal. If you're still reading now then you may as well give it another 200 seconds, right?

Let's go!

HOLY COW, BATMAN, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW HUGE THIS STEER IS?

HOLY SHIT, BATMAN, HAVE YOU SEEN THE WOMAN WITH A PREGNANT BELLY-SIZED CYST BELLY?

These are the facts.

• It weighed 26kg – the equivalent of seven new born babies.
• Despite multiple negative pregnancy tests, doctors insisted Keely Favell must be pregnant as her stomach grew in size.
• The 28-year-old believed herself to be "just fat", saying, "I've always been chunky, but over the course of a couple of years, I gradually got this tummy. It crept up so slowly that I didn't know anything was wrong – I just thought I was putting on timber."

Fuckiiiiing hell. TIMBER?!

Right, well two minutes ago I lost about 90% of this page and honestly cannot be fucked to re-write it, so you're about to get a very quick rundown of nothing much whatsoever. Here goes.

Put the cunt in a peach.

Get it?

DO YOU FUCKING GET IT. I lead up to this really good punchline with about three and a half minutes of witty satire.

FOR.

FUCKS.

SAKE.

WHY DO WE NEVER LEARN TO SAVE AS WE GO, HUH?

Here's DJ Assault to save the day with his own brand of humorous life commentary.

Right and on that note, it's time to bounce.

Bye Cos.

Bye Tim.