This Week...Wins, Woes And What's That You're Hiding?

Commentary

LEO WON A BLOODY OSCAR

He did it. Everyone's favourite bridesmaid never bride won an actual Oscar for his portrayal of a man with snow in his beard walking through the mountains shouting at everything with a really big coat on. Yes our Leo, the Andy Murray of Hollywood, was nominated alongside a man who plays an old man who was in Malcolm In The Middle, a man who played a man who doesn't want to be a man anymore, a man who played a man who invented apples and a man who played a man who took a wrong turn and ended up on Mars. "About bloody time" the world collectively shouted as Leo has been nominated SIX times over the years for his numerous portrayals of men who can frown really well and have a sort of weird collection of hair on their face which is technically a beard in its literal sense but a beard that is firmly in the grey area of what can be socially accepted as a beard. In his acceptance speech he chose to talk about global warming issues and the importance of remembering the indigenous people of America, expecting the same people who have ignored both himself since 1994 and the entire non-white population since 1929 to take notice this time around. Professional 'just a really good guy' Sam Smith also made an appearance to proclaim that he is the world's first gay man.

SNOOPERS CHARTER TO BE EXPANDED

In news that is set to give Edward Snowden a brain aneurysm Theresa May has stated that she is set to extend the snoopers charter to give our government the power to access web browsing records and the permission to hack phones when they see fit. People will undoubtedly talk about an 'invasion of privacy' and how our human rights are being taken away but if it's going to protect our country then what's the problem you damn lefties? Here, take my 3 day old underwear and have a good look around to assess what my undercarriage smells like and decide whether or not I have terrorist poop. Do you want me to send you an in-depth review, warts and all (mind the pun) of every single one of my sexual encounters to double check I didn't prematurely ejaculate with a known criminal in year 8? Just say that word. How about I bug my parents home so that you can record any suspicious conversations they have when they're not delivering a vocal tirade of hatred towards whatever schmuck paired purple drapes with a apothecary floor lamp on DIY SOS. Literally anything you need then I will be more than happy to provide. If you've got nothing to hide you have nothing to worry about, remember?

FUCK THE EU

Bumbling his way through a pack of custard creams and a carton of Um Bongo on his way to work Boris Johnson this week stepped up his game on the ol' leaving the EU front. Taking intermittent breaks between explaining to the press how velcro shoes take less time to fasten up than laces do Boris explained how Britain leaving the EU can only be a good thing, before blowing the biggest bubble you've EVER seen and if you don't believe him ask his Dad. Dressed in an overly tight sailor suit holding a giant lollipop that was just ADORABLE Boris has warned that 'Britain must stop clutching at the skirts of the EU', before presumably tugging at his Mum's skirt to remind her it was his 3pm feed. After peeling his mouth away from the shop window he was pressed against, pulling a stupid face to the people inside, Boris proclaimed that he had planned to continue efforts to convince the public to leave our captors on the mainline but there was a dog that needed chasing instead.